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The day I ate ice cream for dinner.

November 29, 2012 in Food | 3 comments

After my recent days as a nil by mouth, struggling sickly type hiding away in Yorkshire, coming back to London was quite the shock to my sore system. Despite living here for 5 (or is it 6?) years, I found the noise and bustle and crowding and big smoke chaos almost impossible to handle and had a really wobbly first week back at work as a the new frankengirl version of me.

One thing I fixated on eating most when I was too poorly to eat was ICE CREAM. My boyfriend must have picked up these brain vibes and in my second week back as a fully functioning member of society, he surprised me with tickets to Ruby Violet for a night of festive menu taste-testing… also known as getting locked in an ice cream parlour and eating ice cream for my tea. It was as dreamy as it sounds!

There was a group of about 10 of us at the tasting, sat at the large wooden bench and quickly plyed with wine whilst learning some fascinating facts about Ruby Violet (named after owner Julie Fisher’s grandmother, a stern but sassy looking lady from the photos of her that adorn the walls). Then it was time for the good stuff! First we sampled scoops of every new flavour on offer over winter which ranged from mulled wine and elderflower & prosecco sorbets to gingerbread, baileys, Christmas pudding and marzipan ice cream. Then came their very special arctic roll, officially known as antarctic roll as arctic roll is a trademark. Who knew! Then it was revealed this was only the starter… and next arrived a bursting ‘Christmas bombe’ which looked beautiful, but less so once we’d devoured it and created a sloppy mess. Perhaps wine & ice cream was always bound to cause a sticky situation? Then came my very favourite course – Ruby Violets special baked alaska. A steal at a fiver a go, these perfect clouds of raspberry ripple ice cream cased in perfectly browned meringue are something I now get regular tummy rumble cravings for.

Last up was a bit of a shocker. We had been warned, but even still my hands quivered as I was handed STILTON ICE CREAM. I am a huge cheese fiend, in fact the first thing I did after getting my post-surgery appetite back was discover Alex James (of Blur fame)’s Blue Monday cheese. I’d always been a bit sniffy about him getting all welly wearing and rural and making lame cheese rather than epic music… but I take it all back. It was the nicest cheese I have ever tasted ever, and I managed to devour 85% of a block in about 15 minutes saying just one more slice lots whilst gobbling. So I was thinking I like cheese and I like ice cream, so surely I will like stilton ice cream. And I did. A few people made yuck noises, but I liked the fact it was served on a cracker too. It was sort of like eating a cold marscapone. Not sure I’d buy it by the tub but it might be a  nice sloppy addition to a cheeseboard if I ever am fanceh enough to host a dinner party.

 

 

I had such an amazing evening. Sugar high, brain freeze, wine rush and the wonderful hosting from the Ruby Violet team of luscious ladies made it a really memorable step back into socialising. Not that I need an excuse to go in and purchase ice cream more often, but the fact they made us feel so special and patiently listened to all our feedback (mostly ‘more baileys in the baileys ice cream’, ‘more rum in the rum & raisin ice cream’, ‘more wine in the mulled wine…‘) makes me want to buy everything for everyone for Christmas. Who wouldn’t want a Christmas bombe to unwrap? I just need to invest in a really cute freezer bag and enough willpower not to ‘sample’ everything en route to delivering it.

 

 

 

Talking of festive foods, it’s nearly December! Which means it’s time to eat a Christmas sandwich for lunch every day. If you are a Christmas sandwich novice, or in a quandary over which to sample first, go read my Christmas sandwich show down. It’s very scientific indeed.

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London’s Best Indian Cuisine: Marvellous Mumbai Street Food at Hazraj

April 9, 2012 in Drink, Food, London Top Tips | 1 comment

Most of my friends back up north don’t really understand how I cope living in London as they perceive it to be so cripplingly expensive. I am inclined to grumblingly agree, although most of the things that take a wedge out of my wage are standard stuff like rent, travel, bills & brogues. (Ok the last one slightly more me-specific) I think the danger when you live in a capital city is that the ££ can really stack up is when you eat/drink out. This shouldn’t mean you have to spend your evenings home along nibbling cream crackers though…I really believe you can find numerous places to eat out for a reasonable non-crazy-inflated-London price if you hunt hard enough.

I find the Kentish Towner one of the best sources of new (cheap and cheerful) places to sample in North London. In fact I visit this blog so much that I recently switched to Google Chrome and it’s the only website that comes up on my frequently visited tab. Stalker! It was there that I first read about my new #1 favourite Indian restaurant Hazraj. As you may have gathered from even casting a glance at my blog I’m a totally hopeless romantic, so it actually wasn’t the glowing review or the reasonable prices that made me determined to take a visit to Hazraj. It was when I read that the owner Raj had named the restaurant by adding his wife’s name (Haz) to his name (and first too, good man!) therefore creating Hazraj. Doesn’t that just make your heart swell?

The day my boyfriend and I headed to Hazraj had been pretty work crazed for both of us and I remember we ummed and ahhed about where to eat, what to do, cuisine type etc as we were both too screen-fatigued and zombie-faced to make anymore decisions! He suggested Hazraj and I am so glad he did, as every scrap of bad day and work stress was soon a distant memory, replaced with cheery grins, messy mouths and wide eyes!

Hazraj specialise in Mumbai Street Food which is also known as Indian Tapas and Tiffin Cuisine. As I mentioned when I wrote about Tayyabs, I grew up in Bradford so a huge proportion of meals I have ever eaten are curry based in some way. However Hazraj got me seriously whipped into a frothy food frenzy as I scouted the menu, as so many items on there I had never ever heard of, let alone tried! And for less daring types there are still delicious versions of all the old favourites (bhaji, samosas, paratha, tikka). Hazraj pride themselves on creating healthy Indian cuisine and use very little oil & salt, which is really clear when your food arrives without a bubble of grease in sight. Relating to this I assume, I noticed quite a heavy focus on veggie options too – in actual fact there were more (V)s on the menu than non vegetarian choices!

Before we’d even started considering our food options, I was in dire need of a drink. The drink menu was extensive, with wines especially selected to compliment the various courses. I squealed in delight (attracting a few stares) as I spotted tequila beer on the menu. It’s a recent discovery of mine (a bit slow considering tequila is my favourite spirit) but I think I might be in the minority group of fans since it’s barely and rarely stocked anywhere! As we perused the food menu and I happily supped on my Desperados, a friendly waitor (who I later learnt was the legendary Raj!) came over and politely asked how my beer was as I was “the first person to ever order one” (!) I thought it was really heartening in such a new business to see a) the owner greeting and serving guests but b) enquiring after their feedback. It also gave me opportunity to beg Raj to keep stocking it, even if I remain the only person to ever order it for the rest of time! He said he has really worked hard on the drinks menu to offer a diverse selection of beers, recently adding Crabbies ginger beer too, which I imagine would work well with the more fiery dishes.

For starters we ordered the Mumbai Street Chaats, having no real idea what they were or what we were doing, we thought it wise to opt for the platter to try a bit of everything and at £9.95 you get more than your moneys worth! When they arrived like this, it evoked another squeal of delight from me (if the food wasn’t SO worthy of it, my boyfriend might have been tiring of the squealing by this point…)

The platter came with 4 types of chaat, with ample amounts for two to get a good few gobfulls of each one! The flags detailed how best to eat and what was included in each chaat. This was my absolutely favourite thing about Hazraj, as when you eat an entirely new cuisine its easy to to feel intimidated by it.. This was such an easy (and adorable) way to help us understand what to do in a non patronising and educational way. It’s a delightful notion and just one of the many ways that makes you feel like more than just another customer to Haz & Raj.

I can’t accurately describe the taste sensation that followed with each chaat as anything but MMMMM! You really have to just go and sample for yourself. It’s messy, it’s crazily healthy (mostly vegetable based and spiced with unusual ingredients to perfection) and its devastating when its over!

For main courses there is an easy meal deal offer. Main, rice & naan = £8.95. Main, rice, naan & veg = £11.95. For the incredibly high quality of the food, this seems insanely cheap. Every item was delicious, in perfect portion size and presented like the starters; with such pride and attention to detail.

As with the starter, the food was faultless other than the fact at some point it had to end. Hazraj was such a pleasent experience above and beyond the food though. Every staff member we came into contact with was so caring and welcoming, the ambience was a buzzy but not busy (although we were there on a Monday night, I believe Fridays & Saturdays can attract a bustling queue – hardly surprisingly!) and the decor created a fairy lit enchanting escape from the noise and turmoil of the busy Fortress Road outside.

We were having such a brilliant evening that we ordered chai lattes to extend our trip even longer (not a second tequila beer for me you’ll note, it was a school night after all…) and even these were the best I have ever had. You are probably starting to think I’ve been paid (or subliminally messaged though the mellow Indian music playing throughout our meal) to write this as it’s such a glowing review, but the Kentish Towner agreed with me and gave it a rare 9/10! So DO believe the hype! And if not, believe the happy look on Nick’s face…

I grabbed Raj for another chat at the end and he was so proud and passionate, it’s clear to see why Hazraj has been such a roaring success without spending a penny on marketing! A brave choice (instead they chose to invest the money into the venue, food and service) which has completely paid off. He is hoping to extend the restaurant to cater for more diners in the future and also planning to offer take away hampers in the summer for Hampstead heath dwellers. With smart ideas like that, you can see that I won’t be the last person to rave about Hazraj.

There isn’t much more to say except hurry up & go, then tell me how amazing it is yourself!

I’m already day dreaming about my next visit, as it’s an entirely guilt free experience both on the waist-line and the bank balance. I basically want to eat here every week until I try everything, then start over again… so maybe I’ll see you there.

Address: 1A-1B Fortress Road, Kentish Town, NW5 1AA

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London’s Best Burger Bar : MEATLiquor

November 26, 2011 in Food, London Top Tips | 5 comments

I love cheeseburgers.

I love cheeseburgers so much that this joyous Lazy Oaf sweater is top of my Christmas List, although sadly I don’t think I know anyone who loves me enough to pay 60 big ones for a novelty jumper! I would probably wear it everywhere though, even in the bath.

I’m pretty carniverous, despite the fact that upon meeting new people the most frequent judgement I get is that I “look like a vegetarian” which surely is just about the most random summation of a persons looks possible? But it happens over, and over, to the point that now two of my friends only refer to me as “our favourite meat-eating vegetarian”. Whenever I go for a nice meal I have the endless battle of wanting to branch out and try something new, but then my blood thirsty meat eater voice pipes up and saying ALL YOU WANT IS A CHEESEBURGER! Why deny it! And then I just have no choice but to order the burger. But is is a risky way to live your food-ordering life, as burgers can be so hit & miss. So often they arrive filled with greasy potential, only to let you down.  Dry stale bun, drooly cheese slop, brown lettuce, recently-frozen grey patty, rogue pickles…

So when I heard that MEATLiquor had opened and was serving “the best cheeseburger in London” I knew I would not be able to sleep easy until I had sampled it for myself. It is the latest project from the people behind the legendary elusive Meatwagon truck, and later #Meateasy… which I shamefully never managed to get to because it was in New Cross. and as a northerner-in-London my geography is not good enough to navigate myself to such an obscure location. Thankfully they must have felt my pain when selecting the location for MEATLiquor  as it is just behind Debenhams off Oxford Street, and a glorious ten minute straight-line stroll from my work.

MEATLiquor is snuggled into a quiet corner on Welbeck Street, surrounded by bleak car parks and hiding from the rawcous Oxford Street rabble. As I walked there, I started to wonder how hard it was going to be to find. The thing that no other review I’ve read has mentioned yet is that you can smell MEATLiquor minutes before it actually comes into view. As I clutched my iPhone and watched the little blue dot (me) scooch closer to the red pin (ML) I was suddenly hit with the definite hunger-groan-inducing smell of burgers. I did have to stop and have a stern word with myself, panicking that my over-excitement at going to MEATLiquor was bringing on some sort of scent delusion, but then I saw the red neon sign glowing in the distance and realised it was my impending dinner I could smell.

First things first, you will have to queue. Sometimes queues = overhyped disappointment, and that fear that people are purely joining a queue in a zombie/sheep/just to be cool fashion. The queue at MEATLiquor however is well deserved and exists because a) it’s amazing and b) once you are in and bagged your table, you aren’t rushed. Both these things  make it way more worth a wait than Alton Towers rides or something else you might happily stand in line for. If you arrive PRE-6.45pm on an early week night you will only have to wait about ten minutes. If you arrive after 6.45pm (I guess this is burger o’clock as it specifically does get instant busy at this time!) then I don’t know an approximate time but the queue was as far as the eye can see. Even way past the good-smells zone. Queue entertainment is however provided as impatient city boys and bustling business folk attempt everything to skip the queue and schmooze the doorman, who hearteningly is very fair and simply does not make any exceptions and tells them to get to the back of the line buster (only far more politely than that)

We were lucky to be seated right underneath this incredible ceiling art, but the entire interior is the epitome of the word cool. I’m a sucker for animals, especially angry looking animals, and ML has these in abundance. The seating and table settings are minimal (tealights in jamjars) but this just goes to help show off the drama of the towering burgers and beautiful beverages. It feels like you have walked into New York and I guess that is exactly the aim, as long gone are thoughts of tube tussles and work woes, as you soak up the grease fumes and the cheery staff make you welcome.

STARTERS: I opted for the buffalo wings with blue cheese dip which resulted in a heaving pile of wings – a really over generous portion for the price. They were slathered in the most heavenly hot sauce and left me a sticky, shiney, sauce covered mess of a girl gnawing on the bones in desperation for it not to be over. A good sign? My hot date opted for deep fried pickles. I am unfortunately a pickle-phobic. I hate the taste of pickles, the look of pickles and being called pickle. But he assured me that they were heavenly, the batter revealing a juicy, crunchy dreamland laying in wait.

MAINS: As a result of obsessing over Burgeracs Dead Hippie Review both hot date and I couldn’t bring ourselves to sample anything else. It’s been likened to a big mac, and I suppose it is, but a really insanely delicious version that won’t leave you with those hollow McDs guilts & shakes after! It’s 2 burgers, lotsa cheese and special oniony sauce. With the compulsory lettuce all burgers must have. Mmm burger-juicey lettuce. ..Why can’t all salad taste like you! I’m no fancypants food reviewer but it was definitely one of the best burgers of my entire life which is what I’d signed up for.

BOOZE: I should have guessed from the name, but I hadn’t expected the highlight of the night to be the drinks, not the burger! It’s a close run thing, but it’s the speciality cocktail House Grog that I can’t stop dreaming of since my ML experience. A rum based punch served in a giant glass jar/jug with a hunk of pineapple and a straw makes you feel like you are in a Wham! video and tastes SO good. It goes down way too easily, and the menu specifies that customers are limited to “2 servings only” ! When the table in the middle of ML was apparently designed especially for dancing on, this seems a little mean. I could have definitely gone for 4, although my bank manager and hot date might not have thanked me so perhaps ML are wise to protect their clients with a rationing policy. I also sampled the cocktail named loosely around The Full English (?) and the fact I can’t remember the exact name is because it was pure alcohol with no mixer. Just spirit. But somehow delicious and also served with a mini pickled-egg rolled in bacon dust (where do you buy bacon dust?! I want to roll all my food in it please) and so was worth a sample purely for that. The MEATLiquor twitterer claims “Come hungry. Leave drunk.” I can vouch for this claims accuracy due to the fact I talked about dog bones for an entire 30 minute night bus ride home!

The atmosphere really was electric in there, in that exciting buzzy way of something amazing taking place. Everyone was beaming (no hipster pouting going on, hooray) and the ambience, CHEAPNESS, service and food could not be faulted. To read some proper-reviews by people fortunate enough to sample everything on the menu – go here to Time Out  and here to Cheese and Biscuits blog.

Safe to say I will be going back super soon. I’m looking at it this way – everytime I go I get fatter. Therefore every next time I go I have more bee blubber to keep me warm in the queue!

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The Great Christmas Sandwich Showdown!

November 13, 2010 in Food, Seasonal | 10 comments

I LOVE Christmas dinner. Everything about it is dreamy, and it is definitely one of the things I look forward to the most; way above presents and potential snow storms. So, Christmas dinner is great. But Christmas dinner COLD and inbetween slices of bread? FAR superior!

Every year  it is with baited breath that I await November, and the launch of Christmas Sandwiches in the shops. Pret A Manger practically have a restraining order against me for how many times I have asked when is Christmas Sandwich day?? on their Facebook fan page.

Off the back of a few people saying they enjoyed my Halloween snacks blog, I thought I would sample the top 3 Christmas sandwich offerings and report back. Any excuse to eat a turkey dinner sandwich every day this week for lunch under the guise of research!

1. Marks & Spencer Turkey Feast Sandwich

This is a heady line up of turkey, cure dried bacon, stuffing and cranberry. Oh and some random onion mayonnaise for good measure. It’s a pretty meat-tastic sandwich and the dryness of the turkey overtakes the more subtle festive flavours. Also the stuffing is minimal… and personally I think that is the best bit so being stingy isn’t very acceptable! On the whole it fills a hole and definitely beats boring ol’ ham and cheese but isn’t the king of Christmas sandwiches.

However, there is a very exciting selection of other Christmas treats from their Food on the Move range that have caught my eye; including Roast Gammon Crisps, Beechwood Smoked Gammon & Cornish Cruncher sandwich, Aberdeen Angus Rare Roast Beef & Ale Chutney sandwich, Christmas Cheesecake and Mulled Plum, Grape and Pear Juice (YUM!!!!) so you can expect a follow up of other Christmas goods – but I might hang on until we are actually in December. Although you don’t have to feel guilty about getting into the Christmas mood early as the best thing about the Festive range is that for every product sold; M&S will donate 5% to housing charity Shelter.

2. Eat Turkey & Cranberry Sandwich

This is the healthy option for festive foodies! There are only 369 calories per sandwich (compared to 500+ in the other two, mostly due to their lashings of mayo) and less than 5% fat. A lovely combo of turkey, cranberry and GREENS! Yes, rockety-water-cressy green stuff. This is the healthiest on offer so good for days when you fancy a big packet of crisps and mince pie on the side.

3.Pret A Manger Christmas Lunch Sandwich

It’s the original… and THE BEST! Those lovelies at Pret definitely know what they are doing and this sandwich is honestly some sort of genius. A perfectly stacked line up of turkey, sage & onion stuffing, proper cranberry & port sauce AND my favourite bit – little crackly pieces of fried onion create a taste sensation. Again, the company have a fantastic process where they donate 5p from every sandwich sold to help provide hot meals to the homeless across the UK at various charities.

So there we go, if you are a Christmas sandwich novice, I would highly recommend you start at Pret and report back. If you are a herbivore… there are tons of great products out there for you at all the chains I’ve mentioned too such as brie & grape baguettes and brie & cranberry chutney  sandwiches.

The one thing missing from all the contenders is…. a nice slab of Yorkshire pudding in there!

Maybe next year ey.

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Breakfast Club

July 20, 2010 in Food | 7 comments

Oh Brunch, let me count the ways in which I love you.

You aren’t early enough to be breakfast (tummy too tired to function) but you aren’t late enough to be lunch (argh half the day passed already). You are the perfect inbetween; a fake meal who snuck into my life and stole the best meal prize.  The best brunches include a good friend for company, lots of re-ordering pots of tea, the Sunday newspapers, a scrabble board and going 2 rounds of food so you can try two different types of breakfast combinations.

The best brunches start with sleepy Sunday eyes and I need coffeeee, and end when the sun is setting again and you realise that brunch became lunch and dinner and your entire day. Brunch is unrushable, basically! 

I’ve taken my job of discovering the best places to brunch very seriously and here is the top five. If you ever want to discuss this shortlist over brunch… that would be swell. (Especially at The Woseley aka Brunch venue of the stars and way out of my lowly price range; who’s menu I have downloaded on my desktop and read sometimes just for fun. SAD…)

 #1. S&M Cafe Spitalfields, 48 Brushfield Road, London, E1 6AG :

Be sure to sign up to the lovers club for amazing offers. Straight away you get £10 funny money which should see you a couple of trips for free!

Despite the fear in some compainions eyes when I tell them I’m taking them to an S&M cafe, there is nothing kinky here except the occasional Carry On film-still on a menu. S&M stands for Sausage & Mash, which the cafe specialises in when it isn’t serving up KILLER brunches! Cute red gingham table clothes,  oh so friendly staff and – for London – the cheapest  edible brunches I have found so far. You can get 3 breakfast items of your choice (including the holy grail that is bubble&squeak) for £3.25 and a cup of tea for £1.40. If you’re on a post pay day rampage then you should go bigger and braver. Their day job as sausage specialists means there are treats such as marmite or caerphilly cheese & leek bangers to try.

#2. Riveresque 15 Bridge End Road, Leeds, LS1 7HG

 

A picture tells a thousand words and hopefully this one is telling you that the Riveresque cafe WINS the portion size prize. I mean count it for yourself! That’s 4 toasts, 2 hash browns, 2 eggs, 4 sausages, 3 bacons, beans, mushrooms and tomato. For £5. I can’t see how they’re turning a profit but boy was I grateful  (need to work on my grateful face) Added to the generosity, you get a neat view of the river and randomly, a heaving back catalogue of Chat magazines to browse through. After the 2nd egg; reading Love thy neighbour: the girl next door sliced my Mels head off for £30! wasn’t a great move. Please go, but please take your own reading material.

#3. The Pot 38 Crwys Road, Cardiff, CR24 4NR : Click

It’s quite ironic that I had my first ever traditional American breakfast in Wales, but I can’t imagine the yanks make them any better. Wow-wee. Waffles, pancakes stacked to the sky, bacon, maple syrup and the perfect sunny side up. This little gem might involve a hefty hike out of the town centre to the student patch of Cardiff, but it is well worth the treck and hey, you’ll have walked off any calories you injest when you can’t resist the chocolate cookie milkshake. The decor here is flea market/shabby chic and the most serene spot to while away some hours. The waitresses are also adorable, all decked out in frilly polka dotted pinnies and so friendly that it definitely feels like you can stretch out and sit it out for the long weekend haul.

#4. Clock Cafe, Headingley Lane, Leeds, LS6

Is it called Clock Cafe? Or LS6? A long, pointless, bone of contention between Leeds residents Vs the Leeds student population! This place means business and isn’t in any way meant to be visited for less than three hours. Pitch up in one of the huge boothes, grab yourself scrabble and buckaroo and start calling friends to visit you over the course of the day. Afraid the brunch menu isn’t up to much, so this is a location for when you have a serious hangover. Then you can order the giant portion of dutch fries (of which the hot skinny waitresses like to ask ‘are you sure you want a whole portion to yourself, they are very big’ the answer is YES YES YOU DO!) mm curly fries, cheese, mayo and ketchup. Add in an iced coffee and a few hours later the fairy lights come on and the cafe turns into a bar and you can order a Fruli beer and start the night where your day began.

 #5. The Breakfast Club 2-4 Rufus Street, Hoxton, N1 6PE : Click

 

Wins the best cafe name before I even step foot over the threshold. I hadbeen perusing this joint on the internet for weeks before I even moved to London and my hopes were high as it boasts 2nd place in the Observer food awards – Best UK Breakfast line-up. Brunch here quite regularly involves a queue first and even then, it’s so busy you may well have to sit on the big shared tables with… STRANGERS argh! So not one for shy and retiring types, or people who want to swap secrets. The menu is epic though with absolutely tons of choice; including a dish called Green Eggs & Ham ♥ If you like a side portion of risk with your eggs opt for the charity breakfast - where you flip a coin and if you win – you get a £12 brekkie for £4. If you lose, you pay £12 but the extra money is donated to charity. Although I would recommend The Breakfast Club, all the staff I’ve encountered are very East London Cool (read: surly and quite affronted when faced with this prospect of you actually wanting to order food from them, rather than just gaze lovingly at them!) so do not go if you are on the verge of losing consciousness with hunger as service is slightly slow and sometimes stroppy!

PS. In non brunch information, I finally have a blog email address. likeaskeletonkey@hotmail.com – feedback, brunch recommendations, thoughts, ideas for posts and well anything you’d like to say here please!

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Oh My Cod!

March 14, 2010 in Food | 4 comments

It’s been over 2 years since I left Yorkshire.  Clammy hand clutching a one-way single train ticket, racing a van crammed with my worldly possessions across the country.

So far the big smoke has treated me pretty well.  After a rocky few weeks of getting the tube the wrong direction to wherever I actually needed to go and learning that places with the most exciting/weird/quirky names WILL disappoint you (Mudchute, I’m looking at you)… I fell in love with London and we have a pretty beautiful relationship. It gives me easy access to Topshops giant accessory department; I give it all my hard earned money. I’ve got a varied repertoire of cockney rhyming slang and don’t even mind spending the first 30 minutes of consciousness every week day being trapped on the Central Line sauna like an awkward jigsaw piece, with my face in a mans armpit, anymore.

However I have one massive bone to pick with London, and that is the fact that I haven’t found a single good fish & chip shop. The cravings I get for scraps, a potato fritter, a pickled egg… are constantly un-fulfillable. It’s got so desperate that now whenever I scuttle home to Bradford, Francis picks me up in his car and the first thing we do is drive to the chippy. It’s an unspoken fact that the priority upon arrival is for me to shovel ink-stained vinegar soaked chips into my face than see my family or friends. It’s not even uncommon for me to have fish & chips for breakfast, brunch and lunch in one day to try and stem the cravings once I’m back down south. Tragic.

London fish & chips joints seem to be either one of two extremes.  This first is POSH. So many times my colleagues have despaired at my complaining and recommended ‘simply amazing’  f&c locations. I dutifully schlop along in my jeans and am instantly handed a glass of champagne. What? Accompanying battered fish is probably the ONLY time in life I don’t want bubbles. I want a cup of tea, with limescale croutons and a chip in the cup. And then there are the tables. Crisp white tablecloths, metal cutlary (and loud scoffs at my request for a wooden fork) and china plates. They might occasionally have a reference to newspaper packaging; a framed front page on the wall or hilarious ‘mock’ newspaper menu- but only in a post-ironic-oh-what-heathens-would-actually-still-eat-out-of-this-stuff way. The biggest let-down of all is always the food itself though. I don’t want ‘crunchy goose-fat fried potatoes with ground rock salt’, or £10 chargrilled mullet, or a naive oysters to start, or sweet pickle chutney on the side and I certainly do not want to see “tempura soft shell crab” on the same menu. Basically, I do not want my fish and chips to look like this…

After being burnt by the ‘posh’ trend (and  err.. the price) by the likes of Geales and The Fish Club, I followed my nose to places that from the exterior looked much more like my kinda usual plaice (!). Usually called something like “Pizza Point” or “Curry Corner” but with a rickety old neon sign claiming to serve fish and chips. However upon walking inside you learn they also serve pizza, chinese, an array of currys, doner kebab, shish kebab, potato wedges, potato skins, cheese stuffed jalapenos… and then you walk out because you realise you need to be pumped with tequila before any of this seems at all edible.

Basically, London is a city where the streets are paved with gold, but my stomach is not paved in battery goodness and this makes me sad. Sad and homesick.

Criteria for a great fish & chip shop

1. A good pun! Unless there is instant comedy in the name, it’s just lazy.  I’m talking Tracey’s Plaice, The Codfather, The Frying Scotsman, Battersea Cod’s Home and my personal favourite  A Salt N Battered.

2. I want to be served by a woman who’s only career choice in life was clearly this. I want hair nets, and batter stains on the bust and a monosyllabic service that only covers the important matters such as “scraps wi that luv?”

3. I want to be able to lean against the big metal counter that has hot bits in the middle that you know you shouldn’t touch but just… can’t…. resist

4. Tartar sauce is for idiots! I want to add my own vinegar, and add so much that it soaks through the bottom and drips on the floor. I want to add my own salt mountains. I want mushy peas in polystyrene pots, and pickled eggs, and potato fritters and no lemon slices in sight.

5. I don’t want the ability to eat inside. The best fish and chips need to be eaten somewhere as uncomfortable as possible. eg. bus stop, crumbly old wall, pebbly beach, park bench or at least inside a car where you won’t be able to shift the deep-fry smell for weeks.

I don’t think I’m asking for much right?

Right.

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